Final Fantasy 7: In My Perspective
by Zephyrflare3
Summary: Long time no see huh folks? Inside, a commentary by me that explains a bunch and the next chapter as well. RR for a good fellow!
1. An Expolsive Beginning

Disclaimer: Basically, I don't own the plot or characters in the story. In fact, the only thing I own is the switched and wicked twist I put in this story. Now I can't be sued and the like. Enjoy!!!  
  
(FMV: Green sparks fly around and suddenly Aeris's face appears out of nowhere. She sighs and walks into the street, where there was a car crash and people were beating each other up. Aeris slowly edges away, knowing there should be another place to sell her flowers. Suddenly, some guy crashes into her and all her flowers flies slow motion into a puddle of water)  
  
AERIS: You…you freak! That was my flowers, you dolt! Once in a lifetime flowers! They were my best friends! You shall pay and may you be cursed forever in your life!  
  
(Aeris grabs her staff on her back and starts smacking anyone that gets in her way)  
  
AERIS: That's for Adam, that's for Ashley, that's for Allen, and that's for Alice…poor Alice, she died so young. And that's for Bob, and that's for…  
  
(Soon, Aeris began joining the brawl that began to develop. Meanwhile…)  
  
OFFICER #1: I bet you that flower lady is going to kick butt!  
  
OFFICER #2: No way! I think it's that old lady!  
  
(Anyways, somewhere near Sector 1…a train crashes onto the platform, killing all the guards there that were on duty)  
  
BARRET: Man, I gotta get better brakes for this baby.  
  
JESSIE: Wait, we're not supposed to know Barret's or my name yet!  
  
(Sorry)  
  
EX-SOLDIER: Shouldn't we be getting off this train now?  
  
BARRET: That's right  
  
(Barret then jumps over the train and ran past the dead carcasses all over the ground, followed by Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, and the ex-SOLDIER)  
  
JESSIE: Hey!  
  
BIGGS: So much for introductions  
  
BARRET: Who cares? Move out, we all got a Mako reactor to burn!  
  
(Barret, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, and the ex-SOLDIER ran toward to the entrance of the reactor)  
  
BARRET: Hey! How many times I've told you not to move in a group!  
  
WEDGE: Aren't you moving with the group too?  
  
BARRET: Um…well what are you waiting for Wedge? Open the damn door already!  
  
BIGGS: You mean me.  
  
BARRET: Yeah, whatever. Just open the door already.  
  
JESSIE: Wait, what's your name, ex-SOLDIER?  
  
EX-SOLDIER: Cloud  
  
WEDGE: Cloud? Why not the Beast Destroyer or the Shadow Blade? Why not Dragon Slayer or Razor Snake? Why some lame name like Cloud?  
  
(Everyone stares at Wedge)  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT WEDGE: Shut up. We don't give a damn.  
  
WEDGE: Geez, sorry…  
  
BIGGS: Door opened, let's mosey.  
  
CLOUD: Hey, I said that at Disc 3 in the crater. That's copyright material you stole there! I'm gonna sue you.  
  
BARRET: Who cares. Press (CANCEL) to run and let's move it!  
  
CLOUD: (CANCEL)? Geez, why did I even join this group. It's got a crazy leader and crazy members  
  
(Cloud shrugs and proceeds to join up with the rest in the Mako Reactor)  
  
WEDGE: Yes! I get to guard the exit!  
  
CLOUD: From whom? The deadly air? Anyways, we got rid of one guy for now  
  
(Cloud runs away from Wedge in relief, and joins up with Barret, Biggs, and Jessie)  
  
BARRET: You know about these reactors? You should, coz you're in SOLDIER. These damned reactors are ruining life on earth! They're practically sucking the life out of the planet! Many people died because of these stupid reactors! We, as AVALANCHE, must destroy these reactors to ensure good is returned to the world. And then I could get some sleep  
  
CLOUD: Uh huh. This place sucks and smells too.  
  
BARRET: Weren't you listening to what I said?  
  
CLOUD: Um, honestly…no.  
  
BARRET: Why did we even picked you to join us?  
  
CLOUD: Coz I'm cool and I'm better than any of ya.  
  
(Chorus of "hey" aroused amongst Jessie, Biggs, and Barret. Especially Barret, who is currently trying to shoot Cloud)  
  
BARRET: You're going to regret that remark! Die! Die! Die!  
  
BIGGS: Calm down Barret. Remember your blood pressure. Besides, we need to blown this joint. Come on, I decoded the….  
  
BARRET: BIG SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Barret shot an explosive blast that blows Biggs, Jessie, Cloud, and himself to the main core of the reactor itself)  
  
BARRET: Whoa…  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Beware! The reactor isn't what it supposed to be!  
  
CLOUD: Who are you?  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: God, who else?  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT GOD: Oh  
  
CLOUD: Whew, and I thought it was Sephiroth  
  
BIGGS: I wonder what he meant by that…  
  
(Suddenly, a huge, menacing scorpion shaped robot prances down near the group)  
  
JESSIE: Eek! I hate bugs!  
  
(Jessie runs away screaming)  
  
CLOUD: Big deal.  
  
(Cloud presses the detonator and blew the reactor up, along with the robot. Cloud, Jessie, Biggs, and Barret were blown back into the entrance of the reactor, where Wedge was sleeping)  
  
WEDGE: Wha….?  
  
BARRET: IT'S GONNA BLOW! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!  
  
(Everyone runs over Wedge except Cloud who grabs his hand)  
  
CLOUD: Wait, you're not Jessie!  
  
(Cloud leaves Wedge, who somehow got unstuck and raced after Cloud just before the reactor blows. Meanwhile…)  
  
OFFICER #1 & 2: o_0  
  
AERIS AND MOB: ……….  
  
OLD LADY: We're all going to die!!!!!!  
  
(Screams were heard as everyone tried to rush away)  
  
AERIS: I shall avenge you later flowers! For now, I run to live for another day!  
  
(Aeris runs and hides)  
  
OFFICER #1: Gotta love these gas masks and suits we have!  
  
OFFICER #2: Man, it's not everyday when you see a reactor blow to smithereens! 


	2. The Great Train Blunder and Other Weird ...

Disclaimer: Obviously, I own nothing but the weird and "cuckoo" ideas of mine that I twisted into my story. FF7 stuff goes to Squaresoft and Co. and the Matrix comment goes to whoever copyrighted "The Matrix". Oh yeah. The marks in this, the previous, and all the others I write means it's someone thinking. The () marks means it the narrator's voice. The rest is pretty much self-explanatory. Don't forget to R/R!!  
  
(Cloud, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, and Barret are in a small part of the wreckage in Sector 1)  
  
JESSIE: Hold on, the fireworks aren't done yet! Now everyone, stand back!  
  
(The bomb Jessie had exploded, and everyone rushed out. That is…)  
  
BIGGS: Hey! Where's Wedge?  
  
WEDGE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I'm on fire!  
  
(Jessie sighs and grabs an extinguisher nearby and extinguishes the fire on Wedge)  
  
WEDGE: Ow…  
  
BARRET: Get a band-aid later Wedge. We'll all meet at Sector 7 at 7th Heaven. Let's move out!  
  
(Everyone except Cloud leaves. Cloud is rushing to put out the fire that has spread all over his hair)  
  
CLOUD: DAMN IT! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT EXTINGUISHER????  
  
(Anyways, Cloud finally put out the fire and proceeds to Sector 7)  
  
TRAIN: CHOO CHOO!!!!  
  
PA SPEAKER: Train to Sector 7 leaving in 1 minute.  
  
CLOUD: What? How am I supposed to get there in 1 minute?  
  
(Cloud begins to hurry until he is blocked by Aeris)  
  
AERIS: Better buy my flower or you'll have to talk to my staff  
  
CLOUD: Um…  
  
(Aeris proceeds into hitting Cloud repeatedly and steals 300 gil and gives Cloud a flower)  
  
AERIS: Thank you!  
  
CLOUD: Ow…  
  
TRAIN: CHOO CHOO!!!  
  
PA SPEAKER: Train to Sector 7 leaving in 45 seconds…  
  
(Cloud shrugs off the pain and rushes to the train station, where he is stopped by guards)  
  
OFFICER #1: For our own safety purposes, for the terrorist threat of AVALANCHE, we want to make sure you're not in that group. Walk through the metal detector and put your luggage into the machine.  
  
(Cloud answers by grabbing his sword)  
  
CLOUD: Move the hell out of my way, I got a train to catch. I have no time for metal detectors or machines. Basically, I had enough of machinery  
  
OFFICER #2: You could if you just obey us You know what…something's fishy about this guy…)  
  
CLOUD: Then tell that to my blade.  
  
OFFICER #3: Heh. We know a giant toy sword won't hurt us.  
  
CLOUD: Giant toy sword? It's real for god's sake! See?  
  
(Cloud proceeds to make chop suey out of a board nearby)  
  
OFFICER #1: Ah ha! It's a trick! I bet that board is collapsible! You're that traveling magician named Mojo!  
  
TRAIN: CHOO CHOO!!!!  
  
PA SPEAKER: Train to Sector 7 leaving in 5…4…3…  
  
CLOUD: Aw…you bastards…  
  
(Cloud, in frustration, slashes all 3 guards)  
  
OFFICER #1, 2, & 3: Ow….  
  
PA SPEAKER: Train deporting  
  
CLOUD: Damn…  
  
(Cloud runs passed the bewildered guards and runs to the end of the bridge. However, he slips on a banana peel left by some slob. He soars into the air and nails some guards that were chasing after him. Soon, Cloud slips and lands on the incoming train)  
  
CLOUD: Man, I'm soooo lucky…) …ouch, ouch, ouch, ow…  
  
(Cloud crashes and rolls uncontrollably and gets caught in a hook)  
  
CLOUD: Oh… Today is definitely not my day  
  
(Meanwhile…)  
  
BARRET: What was that…?  
  
WEDGE: Cloud didn't come…  
  
BIGGS: Do you think he might have been killed?  
  
JESSIE: Man, Cloud was a good guy, even if he was in SOLDIER.  
  
WEDGE: Cloud tried to save my life in the reactor back there.  
  
JESSIE: I think he left you there on purpose  
  
WEDGE: Oh…  
  
BIGGS: Some much for expanding…  
  
BARRET: Goddamn it. Will you all shut the hell up? I asked a question here. Someone answer it.  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT BARRET: What question?  
  
BARRET: Why do I even bother…?  
  
CLOUD: GET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID MACHINE!!!! ARGHHHH! A CURSE ON MACHINES! A CURSE I TELL YA!!!  
  
WEDGE: Hey, is that Cloud?  
  
BIGGS: I think so…  
  
BARRET: Well, I didn't think Cloud had it in him to get angry.  
  
CLOUD: BARRET? IS THAT YOU? GET ME OFF THIS DAMN THING!!  
  
BIGGS: Yep, it's Cloud.  
  
JESSIE: Well, we can't just open the door and grab him. The train's going too fast.  
  
BARRET: Well, looks like we have to wait. In the meantime, let's move out front. The cargo room scares me.  
  
CLOUD: YOU BETTER NOT BE THINKING OF ABANDONING ME!! HELLO????? Oh those bastards, I am so going to…  
  
(Cloud was left hanging like a idiot, while the others relaxed in their seats until the train stops)  
  
CLOUD: Someone…must…die…  
  
BARRET: Had fun, ex-SOLDIER? I thought you were well made for this sort of adventure…  
  
CLOUD: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR………..  
  
(Cloud begins to charge at Barret, sword drawn)  
  
BARRET: You can't fight me.  
  
CLOUD: Why not?  
  
BARRET: Coz I'm your best buddy.  
  
CLOUD: Not any more…  
  
BARRET: And I got an long-range weapon. So unless you're one of those matrix guys that can dodge bullets…  
  
CLOUD: Huh?  
  
BARRET: Good. Now get your butt over to 7th Heaven. We've got a mission to discuss.  
  
CLOUD: Um…Matrix guys? I wonder if that has anything to do with Sephiroth…)  
  
(Soon, with much thought, Cloud walks away, crashing into people once in a while)  
  
CONDUCTOR: Humph. It's not everyday you see a guy hanging by a hook, traveling 80 miles per hour, and to return home to only think about the Matrix…………………….psychos I tell ya. 


	3. Tifa's Grudge

DISCLAIMER: I WISHED I OWED ALL SO I CAN STOP WRITING DISCLAIMERS BUT I DON'T SO THAT MEANS I OWE NOTHING BUT MY TWISTS I TWISTED INTO THIS STORY!!!!!!! (Man, don't you hate it when your caps lock is accidentally turned on and you don't realize it until the last moment?)  
  
(Cloud and the rest of AVALANCHE goes to 7th Heaven, where a lady was kicking everyone out)  
  
LADY: Bar's closed, so move it you drunks!  
  
BARRET: Whoa, Tifa's in a bad mood today. Better not aggravate her…  
  
WEDGE: Whoa, Tifa's in a bad mood today. Better not aggravate her…  
  
BIGGS: Whoa, Tifa's in a bad mood today. Better not aggravate her…  
  
JESSIE: Whoa, Tifa's in a bad mood today. Better not aggravate her…  
  
CLOUD: Who are these Matrix guys…whoa! It's Tifa!  
  
(Cloud runs over and grabs Tifa's arms and spun her towards him  
  
CLOUD: Hey. Long time no…  
  
(Tifa responds by smacking Cloud in the face and kicking him onto the ground too)  
  
CLOUD: Ow…  
  
GUY: Join the club.  
  
BARRET: Come on Cloud! Get you lazy butt up and let's go in!  
  
(Cloud shrugs off his pain and walks into the bar, where Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are getting drunk)  
  
BIGGS: Whoa…is Cloud a penguin?  
  
WEDGE: Nope, a cloud is a puffy thing in the sky.  
  
JESSIE: Hic…Hic…Hic…oh…  
  
(Jessie, holding her mouth, rushes into the bathroom)  
  
BARRET: Alright, let's go down our secret headquarters. Everybody, to the pinball machine!  
  
(Biggs and Wedge follows Barret down the pinball elevator. Suddenly, a little girl appears above the counter)  
  
GIRL: Daddy? Nope, some drunk.  
  
CLOUD: Drunk? I am not drunk…  
  
(Tifa responds by smacking and kicking Cloud onto the street)  
  
CLOUD: Ow…  
  
GUY: Hello again. Would you like to buy a helmet?  
  
(Cloud ignores the drunk guy and walks back into the bar)  
  
CLOUD: Now wait just one moment…  
  
MARLENE: Daddy? Nope, another drunk.  
  
BARRET: Cloud! Where the hell are you? It ain't gonna take all day to go down a pinball elevator!  
  
TIFA: Grrr…  
  
JESSIE: Yuck. Huh? Where is everyone?  
  
BARRET: Jessie? Slacking off? That'll go off your paycheck!  
  
JESSIE: Oh blast it Fine. I'm coming.  
  
BARRET: You better be.  
  
(Jessie goes down while Cloud sits on a chair)  
  
TIFA: Grrr…  
  
CLOUD: Aw crap, I forgot about…  
  
(Tifa responds by grabbing Cloud and throwing him into the secret HQ down below)  
  
BARRET: Ah, I knew I forgot someone.  
  
CLOUD: Ow…  
  
MARLENE: Daddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Marlene jump down onto Cloud and runs to Barret)  
  
CLOUD: Ow…  
  
BIGGS: Alright. One reactor, 7 more to go. Wedge, do the honors of choosing our next reactor.  
  
WEDGE: Okay. 2 divided by 6 plus 100 minus 85 multiply by 2.545 divided by the square root of 3.6543 plus AB multiplied by 0 plus 20 divided by 4. Sector 5 it is!  
  
CLOUD: Ow…Now my brain hurts  
  
BARRET: Aw…is the Ex-SOLDIER hurt? I thought you were cut out for this.  
  
CLOUD: Quit yapping, bozo. I want to talk about my money.  
  
(Cloud goes back upstairs)  
  
BIGGS: What was your point in saying that?  
  
BARRET: Shut up.  
  
(Barret punches Biggs into the air and Biggs lands on the floor)  
  
BIGGS: Ow… Now I know how Cloud feels  
  
(Suddenly, screams were heard and Cloud comes crashing down)  
  
CLOUD: Ow…maybe we should talk about my money here.  
  
TIFA: And you forgot your promise too!  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT TIFA: Huh?  
  
TIFA: Grrr….  
  
(Tifa jumps down and throws Cloud back up)  
  
CLOUD: Wait! Wait! Wait! I remember! Back in Nibelheim…  
  
(Flashback and junk like that…)  
  
CLOUD: Where is Tifa? I'm freezing to death here! The torture…the torture…  
  
TIFA: Hello.  
  
CLOUD: Where were you?  
  
TIFA: Hey! I had to finish practicing my piano and find this dress in my closet. You like it?  
  
CLOUD: Maybe. But now I'm freezing to death, so I can't really think about it.  
  
(Tifa responds by smacking Cloud in the face)  
  
FUTURE CLOUD: Hey…I remember that smack too.  
  
FUTURE TIFA: Don't make me remind you…  
  
FUTURE CLOUD: You already have for the sixth time.  
  
(Flashback again…)  
  
CLOUD: You know what? When I'm old enough, I'm going to kick butt and join SOLDIER.  
  
TIFA: Pul-leeze. You can't even beat me.  
  
CLOUD: Ha! Wait until you see how powerful I became!  
  
FUTURE TIFA: Yep. You became really powerful.  
  
FUTURE CLOUD: Oh shut up.  
  
(Flashback part III)  
  
TIFA: Well then. I want to ask a favor.  
  
CLOUD: To save you from a dragon, only later to throw you off a cliff?  
  
TIFA: Do you want me to hurt you?  
  
CLOUD: Oh geez…please don't hurt me…  
  
TIFA: Anyways, I want you to save me whenever I am in trouble after you join SOLIDER.  
  
CLOUD: Fine whatever. Just don't hit me, please?  
  
(Just as Cloud stumbles and tumbles onto the ground, a wishing star flies by and twinkles. Now back to the future…)  
  
CLOUD: I remember, see?  
  
TIFA: Yeah…but that's not the promise I was talking about.  
  
CLOUD: Huh?  
  
TIFA: The promise where you'll pay for the damages for the fire you set on my clothes, for the medical payments I have to pay for your injuries, and that penny you stole from me.  
  
CLOUD: Who told you about the penny?  
  
TIFA: Henry, your best friend.  
  
CLOUD: Oh damn him.  
  
BARRET: Alright, it's time to go and kick Sector 5's butts good-bye!  
  
CLOUD: What about my money?  
  
BARRET: Oh yeah.  
  
(Barret hands Cloud a dime)  
  
CLOUD: A dime?  
  
BARRET: For being late, making a really stupid entrance on the train, talking about the Matrix…  
  
CLOUD: You give me more money or I'll strike.  
  
TIFA: You do and I beat you up.  
  
CLOUD: On second thought, I'll take the dime. Hey, better than nothing you know? I can get more money by just kicking monsters' butts, right?  
  
BARRET: Whatever. Hurry up, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are already there.  
  
CLOUD: How?  
  
BARRET: Oh, and by the way, nice flashback about you and Tifa. Wasn't that romantic? Ha!  
  
(Barret walks away)  
  
CLOUD: Wait, Barret just insulted you? Are you going to do anything?  
  
TIFA: Hey, Barret's got a long-range weapon. And besides, he's fat and smells. I'm not touching him.  
  
CLOUD: So what? I don't smell? Huh?  
  
TIFA: What? You're dirty too? And I touched you? CREEP!  
  
(Tifa, for the what-so-ever time hits and throws Cloud outside the bar.  
  
GUY: Welcome to the Dark Side, fellow friend.  
  
CLOUD: Ow…Man, I think that drunk is right…  
  
Author's Note: Whew! The hard part this week is over! That means more time for me to write this story!!! Halleluiah!!!!!! Yahoo!!!! (And other expressions that express happiness and stuff like that) 


	4. Dramatic Entrance and Escape

DISCLAIMER: Yep, you all know it. I owe nothing but my brain (unfortunately).  
  
(The AVALANCHE members board the train with Tifa in stow)  
  
CLOUD: Why are you coming?  
  
TIFA: Don't worry. I got everything prepared.  
  
CLOUD: What about the bar?  
  
TIFA: Marlene is taking care of it.  
  
CLOUD: Great, you let some kid take care of a bar.  
  
(Barret and Tifa at the same time thrashed Cloud into the train)  
  
CLOUD: Not again…Damn it. Why are these guys my team members?  
  
PA SPEAKER: All Aboard to Sector 5 Slums! Thank you for riding SHINRA trains and we hope you have a nice time!  
  
BARRET: Hehe…say that after we blow up Sector 5's reactor! Move it fat dude!  
  
FAT DUDE: Fine. Now the train is invaded of goons. What next?  
  
(Meanwhile, Tifa is bounding and gagging Cloud)  
  
CLOUD: Mha mivs? Mha mi moo maw?  
  
TIFA: Don't worry. I let you out until you pay me back that penny of mine at least.  
  
CLOUD: Mere! Mak mit!  
  
(Cloud flips her the dime)  
  
TIFA: Thank you!  
  
(Tifa walks over to Barret, leaving Cloud tied)  
  
CLOUD:??????????  
  
JESSIE: We're almost at the security checkpoint…why is Cloud tied like that?  
  
BARRET: Cloud? Are you that pathetic enough to get tied?  
  
CLOUD: Mi musn me! Mi mos mifa!  
  
BARRET: Whatever. Leave him. It'll teach him not to mess with rope.  
  
CLOUD: Son of a…  
  
PA SPEAKER: WARNING! WARNING! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! ON CABLE CAR #1! PREPARING LOCKDOWN IN 5 SECONDS!  
  
BARRET: Come on! Let's go!  
  
(Jessie, Tifa, and Barret leaves, leaving Cloud pretty much stranded)  
  
BARRET: Oops! I knew I forgot something!  
  
(Barret and Tifa rushes back to Cloud)  
  
TIFA: Why do we need him?  
  
BARRET: He's the main character in the game. If he dies the game (and story) goes BYE-BYE!  
  
TIFA: Hmph. Why does the main character have to be someone that owes me a large debt?  
  
PA SPEAKER: LOCKDOWN COMPLETE!  
  
BARRET: Dammit!  
  
(Meanwhile…)  
  
CONDUCTOR: What the hell….?  
  
(Back to the heroes…)  
  
TIFA: Why is the train heading to that dead end?  
  
BARRET: What dead…oh dammit. We're going to die before we get to Sephiroth.  
  
CLOUD: Maw mid moo mow mamout mithoff?  
  
TIFA: Barret! Keep secrets to yourself!  
  
BARRET: Sorry…  
  
(Just then, the train crashes, throwing Barret, Tifa, and Cloud into Sector 5's reactor)  
  
CLOUD: Ow…hey! I can talk and move again!  
  
BARRET: Whatever. Let's go and blow the reactor to smithereens!  
  
(Tifa silently slips away)  
  
JESSIE: Sorry! It's all my fault!  
  
CLOUD: Huh? You didn't die?  
  
JESSIE: No. Anyways, it's all my fault! I was the one that ruined it with your ID card Cloud! You see, I grabbed the wrong picture and pasted it onto your card!  
  
CLOUD: (Whispers) Would it happen to be some sort of porn pictures?  
  
JESSIE: (Whispers) Um…yes. How did you know?  
  
CLOUD: (Whispers) The drunk guy at the bar dropped them.  
  
BARRET: What the hell are you people whispering over there? We ain't got enough time for crap like that! Jessie, go back to headquarters and file some distraction so we can get into the reactor.  
  
CLOUD: Don't we have a distaction already (Cloud looks at the destroyed train)?  
  
BARRET: Let's go Cloud.  
  
CLOUD: Whatever…hey! Where did Tifa go?  
  
TIFA: I set up the bomb. Now let's get out of here!  
  
(Then Cloud suddenly has one of those migraines. Flashback…)  
  
PAST TIFA: Daddy! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Damn you Sephiroth!.  
  
(Tifa grabs the sword and runs to the core of the reactor)  
  
BARRET: Cloud! It's not time to get constipated! The reactor's going to blow!  
  
(Tifa responds by smacking Cloud)  
  
CLOUD: Ouch…  
  
TIFA: There.  
  
(The trio of heroes hey, a rhyme! move on to the end of the reactor)  
  
TIFA: Jessie told me we all had to hit these buttons at the same time to open the door.  
  
(Cloud shrugs and slashes the door opens)  
  
CLOUD: You gotta love big swords.  
  
TIFA: Show off.  
  
(They all run toward the entrance of the reactor, where many guards swarmed the doors and got stuck there)  
  
GUARD #1: Was that part of the plan?  
  
GUARD #2: I don't think so.  
  
BARRET: What? A trap?  
  
GUARD #1: Actually, more like a barrier.  
  
(Then a chubby fellow waltzes in)  
  
CHUBBY DUDE: Well, well. If it isn't AVALANCHE?  
  
BARRET: Damn! It's the president of SHIRNA!  
  
TIFA: Man, all that hard work I did. All for nothing.  
  
BARRET: How the hell did you get over here so quick?  
  
CLOUD: … Wait…  
  
(Flashback)  
  
PAST BARRET: Hehe…say that after we blow up Sector 5's reactor! Move it fat dude!  
  
PAST FAT DUDE: Fine. Now the train is invaded of goons. What next?  
  
CLOUD: Remember me?  
  
PRESIDENT: Well, you're from SOLDIER, aren't you? You've got that goggle like Mako eyes, and you're wearing that utterly distasteful uniform. Oh yeah, note to self, fire that designer guy and then send him to the pits. Well, it's a shame that you left SOLDIER. If you were another Sephrioth, maybe I would have remembered you.  
  
BARRET: Confident, ain't you? You ain't gonna be joyful and happy cause' this reactor's gonna go BOOM in a couple of minutes!  
  
PRESIDENT: Temper, temper. And such rude manners too…  
  
(Tifa responds by smacking the President)  
  
PRESIDENT: Ow…hey! You…you smacked me!  
  
(The President begins to cry like a baby)  
  
PRESIDENT: Sob…that's it! Proto-type 18A43H go!!!!  
  
SOME OTHER GUY: Um, sir?  
  
PRESIDENT: What?  
  
SOME OTHER GUY: Whisper, whisper…  
  
(The president pushes the guy into the mako stuff below)  
  
PRESIDENT: Hehe…make that Proto-type 18A43G.  
  
(A really small robotic spider jumps between Cloud, Tifa, and Barret!)  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT THE PRESIDENT: Huh?  
  
PRESIDENT: Have fun!  
  
CLOUD: Oh yeah! We're going to have fun alright!  
  
BARRET: I don't believe we're fighting this thing.  
  
TIFA: I think we'll leave Cloud to do it.  
  
(After the President flies away in his helicopter, Cloud proceeds to step on the spider)  
  
SPIDER: 3…2…1…0…  
  
CLOUD: You know, that doesn't sound right.  
  
(The spider explodes, dropping Cloud 5000 feet below into the slums)  
  
TIFA: CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUD!!!!!  
  
BARRET: Oh dammit.  
  
TIFA: Now he can't repay his debts back to me! Great, I've lost $12, 574.68.  
  
BARRET: (Whistles)  
  
GUARD #1: Well, if you guys have no hard feelings, would you mind pulling us out?  
  
TIFA: Grrr…  
  
BARRET: Whoa, Tifa's in a bad mood. Better not aggravate her…  
  
(Tifa responds by pummeling all the guards stuck in the doorway)  
  
BARRET: Man, that's why I call easy XP and GP! 


	5. A Hungry Cloud and Angered Aeris

DISCLAIMER: Well, what do YOU think? If you have no clue what-so-ever, I own nothing in this story. Other than the (magnificent ideas of mine) of course. Note to self, copy and paste this to save time  
  
???: Cloud….  
  
CLOUD: …  
  
???: Cloud…  
  
CLOUD: …  
  
???: CLOUD! PUT SOME BLOOD INTO THAT BRAIN OF YOURS AND LISTEN TO ME!!  
  
CLOUD: Huh…?  
  
???: Nasty fall, wasn't it?  
  
CLOUD: I fell……………um…when?  
  
???: Sector 5…  
  
CLOUD: Oh. That 500 feet drop.  
  
???: Back then, I only got skinned knees.  
  
CLOUD: Are you my conscience?  
  
???: Uh huh. Who did you think I was, some stuffed doll with a cat and a stupid microphone?  
  
CLOUD: Huh?  
  
???: Um….back then, I only got skinned knees.  
  
CLOUD: I think I broke my neck…  
  
LADY: Hello, hello?  
  
???: Whatever. Stop whining and get up.  
  
LADY: Wait, do I know you?  
  
???: Breathe in and out, slowly rise out of the mist…  
  
CLOUD: I think I need a medic…  
  
LADY: That voice…oh yeah. You're the guy I bumped into back there.  
  
CLOUD: Conscience, is that you?  
  
???: No, but get up anyways because the person waking you up is a hottie!  
  
(The lady pilfers around Cloud's pockets)  
  
LADY: What? Just a lousy dime? Come on, I stole 300 gil last time!  
  
CLOUD: A hottie!!!!!!!!  
  
(Cloud snaps awake and throws the lady over)  
  
LADY: Ow…  
  
CLOUD: Wow! It is a hottie!  
  
LADY: Ow…huh? Oh, um hello! Don't worry! I made sure nobody stole from you while you were sleeping…um…  
  
CLOUD: (drools, then snaps awake)…Huh?  
  
LADY: Well, looks like you're fine…that roof and that flower bed sure did break that nasty gil, I mean fall of yours…  
  
CLOUD: You look familiar…  
  
LADY: Um…I better fix the gil bed…I meant flower bed…  
  
CLOUD: Hey, you're that drunk guy! I remember having a grudge against you, but I forgot why.  
  
LADY: What? Drunk guy?!?!?!?!  
  
(Lady responds by repeatedly smacking Cloud with her staff)  
  
CLOUD: Now I remember, you're that flower lady!  
  
LADY: Thank you! My name is Aeris.  
  
CLOUD: Um, hello.  
  
AERIS: So…you got any money, I mean materia?  
  
CLOUD: Yeah, some. I've got fire, restore, ice, lighting, and all materia.  
  
AERIS: I have materia from my mom. It's good for stealing…I meant nothing.  
  
CLOUD: Yeah, so what's the point…wait, did you say stealing…  
  
AERIS: Um… (looks over shoulder and sees a guy in a blue suit walking over)  
  
CLOUD: Didn't beat me up and stole my money or something?  
  
AERIS:Ioweyouadatebemybodyguardgofacethatguywiththebluesuitsoicangetawaywith yourmoneyimeantsowecouldgetawayandescapetomyhouse.  
  
CLOUD: (Takes out his sword) Gimme my money back, you thief!  
  
AERIS: Enemy boss! Save me!  
  
BLUE SUIT GUY: You must be mistaken. You don't fight me as a boss yet.  
  
CLOUD: Hey, it's a Turk!  
  
TURK DUDE: That's right. Name's Reno so hand over that girl.  
  
CLOUD: Gladly. That is, until she gives me back my money…  
  
AERIS: Actually, I'm willing to submit to you. Unless you be my bodyguard, I guess this is farewell. See ya…  
  
CLOUD: Wait…a…second…Money or revenge. Money or revenge. Money or revenge. Heck, I hate her. Revenge…  
  
(A thunderbolt zaps Cloud and his conscience returns)  
  
???: Of course, you won't be able to buy that special villa of yours in Costa de Sol…  
  
CLOUD: What?????? No way! I'll never give up that villa! I'm not going to lose to some freak in eBay that'll have more money than me to buy that villa! Aeris, I'm your bodyguard, so let's go!  
  
RENO: Well, in that case… guards! Get that Ancient!  
  
CLOUD: Ancient…? Ancient…sell her…get rich…$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Come on! Let's go!  
  
(Cloud and Aeris run out back and hurry to the roof, where Reno and the guards shoot the beam and Aeris falls)  
  
AERIS: BASTARDS!!!!!!!!  
  
CLOUD: Great.  
  
RENO: Get her!  
  
AERIS: Cloud…any time now!  
  
CLOUD: Hmm…huh? Well, well. Some barrels…  
  
(Cloud rushes to the top and pry the lid of one barrel open, in which one contained hidden snacks)  
  
CLOUD: I've struck gold! I haven't eaten since a while!  
  
(Meanwhile, Aeris is tackling and actually creaming Reno and his guards)  
  
AERIS: YOU STEPPED ON THAT FLOWER BED!!!! IT'S VERY SPECIAL AND FULL OF MY BABIES!!!! BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!  
  
(Aeris nails Reno and his guards onto the ground, where they lay writhing)  
  
RENO: That wasn't in my mission description…damn you Tseng.  
  
CLOUD: Munch…munch…munch…gulp. Yum!  
  
AERIS: AND WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU???  
  
CLOUD: I need my money back so I can outbid that creep on eBay…  
  
(Aeris smacks Cloud through the roof)  
  
AERIS: Wow. Guess I don't know my own strength!  
  
CLOUD: Why me….?  
  
(Aeris runs up to the roof and joins the writhing Cloud on the roof)  
  
CLOUD: Wow…flying Chocobos…  
  
???: Alright…  
  
(Cloud's conscience smacks Cloud silly)  
  
CLOUD: Huh? Oh hi Aeris. What just happened?  
  
AERIS: Well, those Turks are after me again…  
  
CLOUD: Wait, where's my money?  
  
AERIS: At my house. Gotta protect me until then!  
  
CLOUD: mumble, mumble, bastard, mumble  
  
AERIS: *Ahem* Repeat that again?  
  
CLOUD: I said that I shouldn't have eaten that mustard down there.  
  
AERIS: You ate mustard?  
  
CLOUD: Custard. I meant custard.  
  
AERIS: Grrr…  
  
CLOUD: Remember, I've got a big sword and you have a puny staff!  
  
(Aeris's staff extends 20 feet)  
  
AERIS: You were saying…?  
  
CLOUD: Um…your house is that way, yes?  
  
(Aeris and Cloud move on to Aeris's house)  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: That extending staff thing was taken (*ahem* I meant borrowed) from a old Chinese story about a monkey warrior who had this staff that could extend really, really long and stops evil and helps the good. So I guess this should be included in the disclaimer. 


	6. Welcome to Aeris's World

Disclaimer: I own nothing (except for that psychic voice thing that I added onto Aeris's fake mom.  
  
(CLOUD and AERIS proceed to Sector 6, until CLOUD begins to whine)  
  
CLOUD: Owowowowowowowowowowowowowow..  
  
AERIS: Now what is wrong now?  
  
CLOUD: Not that! There's a blood-sucking worm on my feet!  
  
AERIS: Look. A bunch of tires stacked up together does not become a blood- sucking worm.  
  
CLOUD: How to you know?  
  
AERIS: Coz the blood-sucking worm is ripping the living daylights of your hand.  
  
(CLOUD looks at his hand, or what's left of it)  
  
CLOUD: Um, do you think it's a good time to cast cure?  
  
AERIS: No, now hurry up before the Turks call in the reinforcements.  
  
CLOUD: How far is your place anyways?  
  
AERIS: Actually, it's not really that far. Since you are the main character (whoever chose Cloud should be fired), I have to follow you. Basically, all you have been doing is running around screaming like some idiot.  
  
CLOUD: Um, so where's your house?  
  
AERIS: Straight and turn right. Sector 6, as you SOLDIERs and people call it.  
  
CLOUD: How did you know.  
  
AERIS: Eyes.  
  
CLOUD: But that information is confidential.  
  
AERIS: Dude, I'm a pickpocket. Figure out the rest.  
  
CLOUD: (Sighs) Well, hurry up then. I have to get to Tifa's 7th Heaven in Sector 7.  
  
AERIS: Is Tifa.a girl?  
  
CLOUD: Yeah.  
  
AERIS: Man, that sucks for her to be your girlfriend.  
  
CLOUD: Wait! Tifa is not my girlfriend! Why you.  
  
AERIS: Talk to the staff.  
  
CLOUD: Um, why you.and I should get to your house now.  
  
(CLOUD and AERIS goes to Sector 6)  
  
AERIS: Might as well show you my neighborhood. Over to you left is some drunken person living in a sewer hole with some tattoo of "2" (which is a waste of time, for flowers are way better). The shop filled with machine guns and cool weapons that the owner won't sell but you can steal (like I did) is up ahead in that trailer. Down below is inhabited by some idiot with worthless materia that you should have (not like mine, of course). The item store is next door (I think, but I don't go there coz I already stole a gazillion items from past places so I don't need any more). Lastly, there is that house with some drunk kid (which reminds me to dial 1-800-ABUSE. What an idiot, thinking he could drink underage, then litter his cans of beer, and then POLLUTE MY FLOWERS!!!! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!)  
  
CLOUD: Man, this drunken guy in the sewer hole really has some got channels! Alright, the soap operas! I can watch "The Wizard in Final Fantasy 7"! I really love that kid, Dorky and his Chihuahua, Mojo! They're really the best.owowowowowowowowowowow!  
  
(AERIS repeatedly smacks and nails CLOUD over to her house's entrance)  
  
ELMAYA: Hello! I've seen you've meet Aeris!  
  
CLOUD: Where is that cure I need.?  
  
AERIS: Hey mom! I got a bodyguard!  
  
ELMAYA: I suppose those Mako jerks were after you again.  
  
AERIS: Yep.  
  
CLOUD: Can anyone hear me.?  
  
ELMAYA: So.any plans?  
  
AERIS: Yep, I guess we'll have to go to Sector 7 to meet up with Cloud's girlfriend.  
  
ELMAYA: Is she Tifa?  
  
AERIS: Um, yeah, why?  
  
ELMAYA: Famous for good water that doesn't stink like the ones Shinra gives us.  
  
AERIS: Cool.  
  
CLOUD: Need.help.save.life.  
  
ELMAYA: Don't forget to steal some for me!  
  
AERIS: I will. Let's go Cloud.  
  
CLOUD: Ah.dammit.  
  
{AERIS carries CLOUD up the stairs (bumping into the steps one at a time, of course) and throws him into a spare room)  
  
AERIS: Don't let me hear you and sleep well!  
  
(Later.)  
  
ELMAYA's Psychic Voice (EPV): Hello.  
  
CLOUD: Huh?  
  
EPV: I am your fairy informative godmother and I have to explain Aeris's past so we can all understand this conflict much better. If I don't, the entire fanfic would be a mess and the sky will fall.  
  
CLOUD: Cool.  
  
EPV: Man, Aeris was right about you. What happened to your brain?  
  
CLOUD: Well, you see.  
  
EPV: Forget it. Ok, this is how this story goes. My husband went to this war, and ever since it ended, I've been going back and forth awaiting his arrival. One day, I found a lady with a baby girl.  
  
CLOUD: Whoa, a lady and a girl went to war too?  
  
EPV: Shut up. So the lady's last words were to take care of her child. That I did and I took care of her ever since. One day, she told me that my husband died in the war. I asked how she knew, and she said the spirits of the earth told her. I didn't believe her.  
  
CLOUD: Awesome! Aeris can hear dead people talk?  
  
EPV: Shut up. Anyways, two months later I received a letter saying my husband had died.  
  
CLOUD: Aha! It's her secret materia!  
  
EPV: Cloud, shut the hell up. Anyways, one day, some Turk jerk barges into my room and asks for Aeris. Aeris grabbed her chair and smacked the guy to oblivion. Later, she showed me the plans of future strikes on Sector 6 she pilfered from that Turk.  
  
CLOUD: Hey! I remember! Aeris stole money from me! I lost my life savings then!  
  
EPV: (smacks CLOUD) If you don't shut up, I will find a way to trick Aeris into nailing you. So that's how Sector 6 survived the many attacks and disasters of the past. That was the first time I knew about Aeris's stealing ability.  
  
CLOUD: Cool.  
  
EPV: THAT'S IT! (*blink*)  
  
CLOUD: ZZZ.huh? I'm completely healed! YAHOOO!!!!!  
  
AERIS: THAT'S IT!  
  
ELMAYA: No fighting in the bedroom!  
  
AERIS: Alright mom!  
  
(AERIS proceeds to grab CLOUD by the ear, walks outside, and chucks CLOUD to the playground at the entrance of Sector 7)  
  
EPV: (to CLOUD) I told ya so.  
  
CLOUD: I am the victim of circumstances.  
  
(Back to her house)  
  
ELMAYA: Well, you had a fine bodyguard. I just wish he wasn't so stupid.  
  
AERIS: So will the world. Anyways, I got stuff to steal, so I'll catch you around. Bye mom! (AERIS leaves to catch up with CLOUD, who was lying half dead on the slide)  
  
CLOUD: Man, I should have kept that Restore materia and not give it to Barret. 


	7. Sector 6 Nightmare

A/W: I LIVE! I have risen from the dead and I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or anything related to that! (break dances). I LIVE!!!  
  
(CLOUD and AERIS are dwelling in the playground)  
  
CLOUD: I've just realized that 20% of the damage dealt to me is from monsters and the other 108% comes from women. Do females hate me?  
  
AERIS: Astute observation. What's your point?  
  
CLOUD: Can I get that cure now?  
  
AERIS: For the millionth time, no.  
  
CLOUD: Can I get a potion then?  
  
AERIS: Why can you be more like my former boyfriend?  
  
CLOUD: Who?  
  
AERIS: Some person in SOLDIER like you. First-class as well.  
  
CLOUD: Who?  
  
AERIS: Don't remember. It was ten years ago. Wouldn't you know?  
  
CLOUD: Sephiroth?  
  
AERIS: No.  
  
CLOUD: Tifa!  
  
AERIS: What? Are you asking me to add another 5% to the total?  
  
CLOUD: No! She's sneaking into Sector 6!  
  
AERIS: (Eyes Tifa's shadow disappearing into Sector 6) Well? Let's go! The sooner I get rid of you, the safer I'll be!  
  
(Grabs CLOUD and drags him over to Sector 6)  
  
AERIS: What the hell..?  
  
CLOUD: Huh? Something's wrong?  
  
AERIS: The place is swarmed with naked men dancing and "doing it" with each other.  
  
CLOUD: Oh, I knew something was wrong.  
  
(AERIS proceeds to grab CLOUD and drag him over to the salon)  
  
AERIS: Excuse me sir, would you tell..  
  
SOME FAT GUY: (to CLOUD) Hello sir! Are you ready to make your fantasies real? We are the best of the best with the moves and power!  
  
AERIS: On second thought, I'm sure the "other" way is much more convenient.  
  
CLOUD: (turns green after eyeing "something") I'm deeply disturbed.  
  
(AERIS smacks CLOUD toward DON CORNEO's mansion)  
  
AERIS: Maybe I should open some sort of transportation company.  
  
SOME EXTRA: Welcome to Don Corneo's mansion! Wow, a hot guy like yourself would love to join our male competition! If you want to join, please state your name, address, credit card number, and your bank account and we'll give you a reply after we steal all of your money!  
  
CLOUD: .Don't make me slice it off.  
  
SOME EXTRA: Huh?  
  
AERIS: The place where you personally know it'll hurt like hell.  
  
SOME EXTRA: Eep! Um, wouldn't joining the contest be more fun? Slicing and dicing is such a waste of time.  
  
CLOUD: (whispers to AERIS) We gotta get in.  
  
AERIS: Why?  
  
SOME EXTRA: Huh?  
  
CLOUD: Tifa's in there.  
  
SOME EXTRA: Who?  
  
AERIS: How do you know?  
  
CLOUD: (pulls out handy dandy Bradygames Strategy Guide Book for Final Fantasy 7)  
  
AUTHOR: HEY!! CHEATING IS BAD!!! NO MORE COOKIES FOR YOU!)  
  
CLOUD: ...I like cookies?  
  
(AUTHOR zaps CLOUD)  
  
CLOUD: .Aeris, can I have.  
  
AERIS: No.  
  
CLOUD: Damn.  
  
SOME EXTRA: I like cookies.  
  
(AERIS proceeds to smack SOME EXTRA in the place you know it hurts like hell)  
  
AERIS: Enough of this. Let's move the plot a little.  
  
(AERIS grabs CLOUD and proceeds into the dungeon/torture room)  
  
TIFA: Cloud! You're alive!  
  
CLOUD: I won't be if no one casts that damned cure I need.  
  
(Tifa casts cure on CLOUD)  
  
CLOUD: I LIVE!!!  
  
TIFA and AERIS: Shut up.  
  
CLOUD: What are you doing here, Tifa?  
  
TIFA: Finding you. Barret found a convenient placed fool working for Shinra and we got some info that we can nab some crucial info from this fat dude named Don Corneo.  
  
????????: What! There are girls in the dungeon!  
  
OTHER ?????: ATTACK! GIRLS MUST DIE!  
  
(A swarm of naked thugs rushes at the trio, then trips and falls down the many, many stairs)  
  
AERIS: What do you know? It's time for hit the place where it hurts like hell time!  
  
TIFA: And our contestants are conveniently naked for extra fun!  
  
(CLOUD grabs his very large buster sword. Soon, screams of bloody murder is heard throughout the world)  
  
(Somewhere.)  
  
CID: Ouch, that has to hurt.  
  
RED XIII: Cid! Get down! Nobody knows about us yet!  
  
CID: Oops.  
  
(Back to the action)  
  
TIFA: There's Don Corneo!  
  
(Camera zooms on this largely obese person with sunglasses)  
  
DON CORNEO: Women! Where are the guards?  
  
CLOUD: Alright. Tell us about Shinra. What's the news?  
  
TIFA: If you don't.I'd love to hammer "it" to the floor.  
  
DON CORNEO: Fine. Shinra knows you're hiding in Sector 7 and Heidegger plans is going to blow it up. Happy?  
  
TIFA, CLOUD, and AERIS: What?!?!?  
  
DON CORNEO: Ha! I've tricked you! I've a switch right here and it'll send you to your doom!  
  
CLOUD: Wait, who's Heidegger?  
  
(DON CORNEO pushes the button at ease, smiling, only to realize that he pressed the wrong button and was ejected out of his mansion and plummeting toward the sea. There was a splash, followed by silence, followed by some weird bloop, revealing a drenched DON CORNEO)  
  
DON CORNEO: I LIVE!!!!  
  
(Jaws theme...)  
  
JAWS: Not for long..  
  
(Meanwhile.)  
  
CLOUD: (flipping through his book) Oh, that's who Heidegger is. Wait, we're supposed to fall into the sewers! There's no mention of ejecting Don Corneo nor naked men!  
  
AUTHOR: Damnit! Stop using that book! (zaps CLOUD, steal the book, and clicks the right switch. TIFA, CLOUD, and AERIS all plummet down into the sewers)  
  
AERIS: Cloud. I hate you.  
  
TIFA: Come on! We have to go and save Barret and the others!  
  
CLOUD IN TEARS: My book.  
  
(AERIS drags CLOUD as TIFA hurries to reach Sector 7) 


	8. The UnPolar Express

FBI Rep. Word: I'm here to inform in place of Mr. Zephyrflare. Incidentally, he tried to put all claim of FF7 and everything else to be his, and we had apprehended him because of that. Please note that nothing except his inane and insane ideas belongs to him. Thank you.  
  
(The ripple pulsed through the sewer water, flickering at the glowing lights. It paced a couple more knots, and the creature eyed slowly toward 2 girls wandering around. It flowed slowly toward its unsuspecting victims. As the victims drew nearer, the creature roared and leaped with might and pounced on..)  
  
AERIS: Cloud. What the hell are you doing?  
  
CLOUD: I'm pretending to be the swamp thing.  
  
AERIS: ..Cloud, you really don't want to see me angry.  
  
TIFA: Look, stop fooling around! Sector 7 is in big trouble, and we got to get the hell out of here!  
  
CLOUD: No problem (pokes at the ceiling with his sword and it caved in)  
  
AERIS: Well, at least Cloud finally did something useful.  
  
TIFA: Let's go! We gotta hurry! (jumps through the hole in the ceiling. AERIS and CLOUD follows)  
  
AERIS: (eyes the mass destruction of trains) Well, somebody didn't follow the "no drinking and driving" rule.  
  
TIFA: Damnit! How the hell are we gonna get out?  
  
(CLOUD goes over to a train and begin pressing the buttons. Suddenly, lights flash on and the train moved a millimeter) How about that?  
  
AERIS: Cloud, a millimeter isn't going to solve anything..  
  
(The train CLOUD was in began to levitate and move through the air)  
  
TIFA: Well, that's something you don't see everyday.  
  
(Suddenly, TIFA and AERIS we grabbed from behind and thrust into the floating and moving train)  
  
AERIS: Ow! (begins eyeing the cage she was in) What the hell.?  
  
??????: Greetings my fellow ladies.  
  
(A ghost floats near the cage)  
  
TIFA: What the hell are you supposed to be?  
  
GHOST: A ghost.  
  
AERIS: Look, let us out of here or..  
  
GHOST: That won't be possible. I'm a ghost. You cannot do anything to me. Muhahahahahaha!  
  
CLOUD: I MADE IT FLY!  
  
AERIS: Why wasn't Cloud captured?  
  
GHOST: The stupid one? Well, the international rulebook of ghosts says we cannot fully capture people until we let one of their kind answer a couple questions. Cloud, come here.  
  
CLOUD: Hi!  
  
TIFA: Sector 7 and the world is screwed.  
  
CLOUD: Hey! I see dead people!  
  
AERIS: More like the universe for all eternity is screwed.  
  
GHOST: Alright Cloud. I shall ask you questions. Get everyone of them right and you get 3 wishes.  
  
CLOUD: Do I know you from somewhere?  
  
GHOST: Question number 1: What is your name?  
  
TIFA: Well, I'm sure Cloud would get this right..  
  
CLOUD: Elvis Presley.  
  
GHOST: That's your name?  
  
AERIS: Tifa, don't invoke Murphy's law!  
  
GHOST: Well, technically, that's what Elvis Presley's fans used to call him after he dyed his hair black.  
  
TIFA: Cloud dyed his hair?  
  
GHOST: Question number 2: What is your quest?  
  
CLOUD: To protect the world from devastation!  
  
(Very long silence)  
  
AERIS: The hell?  
  
GHOST: Though it is copyrighted and Cloud basically stole it, I suppose it does make sense..  
  
TIFA: Alright Cloud! You're on a roll!  
  
AERIS: The hell?  
  
GHOST: Question number 3: What is your favorite color?  
  
CLOUD: Hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloon!  
  
(More silence. Crickets chirp)  
  
CLOUD: You know, now I think about it, what do people think when they see this train moving around..  
  
(Somewhere down below.)  
  
AVALANCHE/SHINRA: Hey, a flying train!  
  
RANDOM GUY: I think that's an omen that we're all going to die.  
  
CLOUD IN TRAIN: HEY! IT'S BARRET! HI!!!!!!!  
  
BARRET: Is that Cloud?  
  
WEDGE: Sound like him.  
  
BARRET: ...What the hell happened to him?  
  
(Everyone shrugs off the glance and keep blowing each other up)  
  
GHOST: You didn't answer the question, therefore, you lose.  
  
CLOUD: But they're colors!  
  
AERIS: Well, he does have a point, objects do have colors, so I suppose all those objects are his favorite colors..  
  
GHOST: Damn.alright, next question.  
  
TIFA: (whispers) Wow, that was some quick thinking.  
  
AERIS: Well, to act like a Cloud, you must think like a Cloud.which I have most unfortunately have done..  
  
GHOST: What is my name?  
  
CLOUD: Cid!!! I remember you!  
  
G. CID: That's impossible! Nobody knows my name!  
  
CLOUD: Actually, the people at Bradygames do..  
  
G. CID: He brought that book? But I thought that wasn't allowed!  
  
TIFA: It wasn't. The author stripped it away from Cloud and zapped him.  
  
G. CID: Yeah, yeah. I'm the ghost of Cid of FF IV.  
  
AERIS: Well, Cloud answered all your questions, so let us out so we can save..  
  
G. CID: Not so fast! There's one last question left. What is the capital of Bhutan?  
  
(More of that loved silence. Meanwhile..)  
  
SHINRA'S PRESIDENT: What? Heidegger! What are these flying trains I speak of?  
  
HEIDEGGER: Gwhahahahahahaha!  
  
SHINRA'S PRESIDENT: Is that so?  
  
HEIDEGGER: Gwhahahahahah!  
  
SHINRA'S PRESIDENT: Well then. Let's turn back and watch Sector 7 suffer my wrath.  
  
HEIDEGGER: Gwhahahahahah!!  
  
SHINRA'S PRESIDENT: ...Shut up Heidegger.  
  
(Back to CLOUD and the gang)  
  
CLOUD: A city in Bhutan?  
  
G. CID: Damn it! Why the hell are you always technically right?  
  
TIFA: I must be in a dream. Any second now I shall wake up and never see Cloud or this crap every again.  
  
CLOUD: But what about the money I owe you?  
  
TIFA: Correction. Any second now I shall wake up with all of Cloud's money and will never see him or any of this crap again.  
  
G. CID: Man, no one has ever beaten me before. And you were supposed to be stupid!  
  
AERIS: He is.  
  
CID: All right. Your three wishes.  
  
CLOUD: Take us to Sector 7, cause everyone in the world to never go hungry again, and give me the power to understand women.  
  
G. CID: Um, I can grant the first 2 but...hey, what about giving your special powers called limit breaks so you can defeat Sephiroth and save the world from the falling meteor?  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT G. CID: What?  
  
AERIS: Wait, didn't we already have limit breaks..?  
  
GHOST: Fine, I grant you all of them.  
  
CLOUD: You know, now I'm thinking about it, the book doesn't say anything about flying ghosts trains and grants of wishes......wait, did he say Sephiroth and meteors?  
  
AUTHOR: (zaps CLOUD and GHOST) CLOUD, forget the book and don't go giving fortunes to the world, Cid!  
  
G. CID: Ow..oh! Here we are at Sector 7! Good-bye...  
  
TIFA: Wait, you're going to just drop us?  
  
G. CID: Hey, you wanted to get to Sector 7, here it is! Tell spikey over here that to beware what he wishes for!  
  
CLOUD: Speak for yourself, you Santa Claus wannabe!  
  
G. CID: Hmph! For that remark, I'll land you on the entrance of Sector 7 instead near your friends!  
  
AERIS: Cloud. I hate you.  
  
CLOUD: You told me that already.  
  
(The trio of heroes suddenly drops off the flying train and falls quickly down to Sector 7)  
  
G. CID: Will they survive? Stay tuned and check out next episode to find out! Wait...hey Author! Weren't you captured by the FBI?  
  
AUTHOR: Cid, shut up. And that was lame too. In fact, why did you say that in the first place? In fact, go back to FFIV. You're no fit for the future of Final Fantasy.  
  
G. CID: Noooooooooooooooooooooo.... (disappears) 


	9. Commentary

Now you all probably are wondering what the hell just happened. That's why this chapter of my (used-to-be-deserted) story somehow came to existence.

First off, instead of writing in the regular script form, I decided (for better or worse, I don't even know where to begin thinking about that) to switch to true novel mode. Here, I can actually practice out what it's like to write humorous novels such as Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams (Discworld and Hitchhiker's Guide anyone?). It probably won't be as funny, but ah well, humility comes first anyways. At least according to the laws of mankind.

What about the past scripts I've written? Well, I don't know, if I ever get a chance or stop slaving away in front of the television, I might rewrite that to paragraph form as well. Or I could keep it the way it is. It's you as readers to call it (sorry, flipping coins is not allowed).

Updating may be a concern, as you can see that my story was around a year ago before it somehow slipped away and ended up in a bottomless abyss. I'll try to update whenever I can, but I can't be guaranteeing anything. If you like, you could buy a pillow and start punching it and complain why I'm so darn lazy.

Well, though I am lazy, school's started and I at time am attacked at all fronts by homework. So I suppose that idea just flew out the window. You can still punch the pillow if you like though.

Well, that's about it. If any other FAQ comes by, I'll be sure to add it to this lovely list.

Ah yes, I don't know why, but I feel like saying that Final Fantasy 7 doesn't belong to me at all. Maybe it has something to do with the FBI or something. Ah well.

-Zephyflare3 (Where winds and fire clashes to set boats on fire)


	10. Defense of AVALANCHE

"Heidigger, stop playing with my computer,"

"Gwhahahahaha!'

"Heidigger, I don't care if they're shiny or what, but I'm on a tight schedule here planning the AVALANCHE's doom," President Shinra sighed and immediately snapped his fingers. Burly robots came hovering in and dragged the bellowing Heidigger away.

"Ah well. Looks like Heidigger knocked out all the power in Sector 3, 5, and 9. I'll just bluntly accuse of  AVALANCHE for screwing with electricity and all is well."

"You're insane," President Shinra raised his eyebrow and glanced to his right.

"Ah, hello Reese. What brings you here…"

"You can't let those people suffer with a blackout? Can't you deploy some electricity…"

"Can't really. There won't be enough considering Sector 7 will explode in flames," It was Reese's turn to raise his eyebrows.

"Don't tell me AVALANCHE plowed through yet another 100 guards and high-tech security robots and blown up…"

"Actually, Mr. Tseng and his pals are going to activate the self-destruct button and send the entire slums into oblivion," Reese noted that at this moment, President Shinra gets the record for the most unsettling grin in Midgar. It wasn't even properly brushed, the unhygienic beast.

"What the hell are you going to be doing next? First, you're blowing up random sectors for no reason and next you're going to be declaring a world-wide campaign to take over Cosmo Canyon!" The explosion from Reese's outburst could have set the entire city on fire, but President Shinra stood still like a mountain. Instead, President Shinra then stroked his chin and Reese sadly realized that a light bulb must have sprung out of President Shinra's head.

"Anyways…" continued the president, relieving Reese, "AVALANCHE was spotted around Sector 7. So thus, affirmative action must be processed in order for the survival of Mako and Midgar."

"But…"

"Not now Reese. Here, take a day off or two. You'll too stressed out. And while you're at it, buy some Mako beer. It has a kick in it, and as a bonus, you get to help our economy!" the president smiled and snapped his fingers. Before Reese could complain any more, two burly security robots grabbed him and dragged him outside.

*****

And that would be the end of Final Fantasy 7, as our dynamic trio was last seen falling out of a dissipating train and will probably plummet onto the floor, making the kind of sound when foot connects a fairly big insect.

Though that did not obviously happen, the sound did occur anyways, for the trio landed on a couple of nearby drunk soldiers.

"Cloud, I will seriously kill you one day," growled Tifa.

"Too late. I'm doing it already," Aeris replied as she repetitively smacked Cloud on the head.

"You-ow-can't-ouch-do-ah-this-ow-to-ouch…"

"Aeris, we have no time now! Barret and the others are in deep trouble right now!" Tifa diverted Aeris's attention toward the pillar of Sector 7. It was a magnificent sight, standing taller and brighter than all the sun could muster. It was a shame that the ricochet of bullets and people screaming and plunging off the pillar destroyed the entire image.

"Good point, let's go!" Aeris quickly rushed toward the pillar, with Tifa in tow. Cloud stuck his hand inside his pocket and pulled out a Hi-Potion.

"Damn it. What ever happened to friendly fire?" Cloud mumbled as he drunk the entire can.

"CLOUD! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!" Tifa roared. With a sarcastic sigh, Cloud raced toward the grand pillar as well. In fact, had he had gone sooner, Cloud wouldn't have wasted the Hi-potion in the first place. Cloud would have also realized that a falling Wedge from 50 feet above ground is a recipe for meteor attacks.

"Wedge, you idiot! You almost killed me!" Cloud exclaimed, infuriating Aeris and Tifa.

"Cloud…you remembered my name…"

"Come on. Don't be silly. Get up…" Cloud soon realized he held a dead Wedge. Tifa, who morphed into a volcano with Cloud, had begun to steam and emit a red, hot glow.

"No damned smack is adequate for this. Come on! Let me at 'em…" Aeris realized that Cloud had grabbed her.

"Stay here and keep an eye on Wedge," Cloud replied.

"You want me to take care of someone dead? Cloud, you are an idiot…"

"This is our fight, Aeris. AVALANCHE's fight," Tifa mumbled, "Don't listen to Cloud though. I have a bar in sector 7, and there's a girl named Marlene there. Find her, and take her somewhere safe." Aeris nodded.

"I understand, Tifa. Good luck. The same to you Cloud. You'll need it," Aeris then sped away past the mob of people that had already begun to form and grow.

"CLOUD! TIFA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING DOWN THERE? I KNOW WEDGE IS DEAD, BUT I'M STILL GETTING SHOT, SLASHED, AND HARASSED BY THESE BASTARDS! "

"Come on! Barret's gonna need some help!" Cloud raced toward the steps, then halted. "Oh, hey Biggs." Biggs hung onto the railing, desperately trying to stand.

"Is…Wedge alright?" Cloud shook his head, while Tifa turned away from the sight of Biggs' wounds.

"Here, come, I got you…"

"No…help Barret…go…" Cloud nodded and ran ahead, brandishing his sword.

"Best of luck, Biggs," Tifa sighed and ran after Cloud, who was knocking people off the tower.

"Come on Tifa! We're not too far from Barret!" Cloud dodged some bullets and pushed a soldier down the stairs.

"Jessie!" Tifa looked away. Jessie was not only filled with bullet wounds, but her leg resembled a very grotesque shape.

"Heh…I guess you can't get me out of this mess Cloud…" Jessie laughed, "I saw Wedge fall…"

"Dead…" Cloud murmured, and slashed another soldier that got too close.

"Shouldn't you be watching where you're hitting?" Jessie murmured, "You might hit someone from far below…" Cloud glanced down and noticed some of the bodies he pushed over also landed on some people in the mob.

"Eh…Jessie, you seriously need some rest. Just relax and pretend all the worries have melted into the mist…"

"AH GOD DAMN IT! CLOUD! TIFA! SOME IDIOT IS TRYING TO SCREW AROUND WITH THE GOD DAMNED PANEL!"

"Ah screw you Cloud. Go save Barret," mumbled Jessie. Tifa had already ran ahead, and with a nod, Cloud raced quickly to Barret.

"CLOUD! I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU, YOU LAZY BUM!" screamed Barret as he unleashed another bunch of bullets at a nearby helicopter.

"I'm here, so what's the situation?" Cloud replied.

"The situation is that you lost," Cloud glanced over to the panel, where a familiar fire-headed man bowed.

"Reno. I thought Aeris was finished pulverizing you for stepping on the flowers?" Reno winced.

"Damn it. I thought you were too busy eating to notice. Ah hell, I've set the time limit, so you have no chance to survive. The entire pillar is going to go boom, and guess what? The entire plate of this section of this city with squash you guys like a bug," Reno raised his right hand in a nonchalant matter.

"Cloud! Distract him while I get to the panel!" Tifa moved past the fierce bullets from enemies and ally toward the panel.

"Ah, no you don't," replied both Cloud and Reno simultaneously.

"Let's assess this situation carefully," replied Cloud, "I've got a huge sword that can literally slice people in a couple of seconds. You have a stick…"

"Cane. But don't worry. People get that mixed up all the time," Reno replied as he aimed the stick at Cloud.

"Ha! What are you going to do? Blast me with a piece of wood?" Cloud said smugly. Soon, he realized he was entrapped in a triangle shaped bubble.

"Mission accomplished," bowed Reno. Cloud tried to move around, but realized he was stuck fast.

"Hmm, by any chance would you let me out?" replied Cloud innocently.

"Not a chance," Reno smiled smugly as he turned to face Tifa.

"I would like to veto that decision," Barret replied, with his gun arm pointed right at Reno's head. With a sudden swift motion, a helicopter quickly zoomed right past Barret's head, causing him to duck. Reno quickly somersaulted sideways and jumped off the tower, with Barret's gun arm firing after his every movement. One stray bullet nailed the triangle bubble, and with a pop, Cloud found himself on the floor.

"Finally!" Cloud picked himself up and raced over to the panel, where he also pressed all the buttons. A big bellowing voice then told him to stop.

"Tseng, I presume," Cloud sighed, "The leader of the Turks," The big bellowing voice told him to call him Mr. Tseng.

"Stop using the damn microphone!" Cloud knew that voice from anywhere too.

"Ahem. And of course, pressing all the damn buttons don't really mean a damn thing. The president just placed it there to look cool. The entire explosion is just based on this detonation device," Tseng nodded toward the tied Aeris, "Oh, by the way, this is our prisoner of war." 

"Bastard! Hurting innocent civilians!" Barret shouted.

"Civilian? She isn't civilized! She's been hitting places where they shouldn't be hit in the first place. She's already taken out half of Shinra's troops!" Tseng sneered.

"Hey, Boss? It's nice to see you grand and all, but you didn't catch me and now I'm hanging for my dear life," Tseng looked down and observed how Reno miraculously hooked onto an edge of the pillar with his foot.

"Ah. Well, anyways, nice knowing you all, and I hope you have a blast. Get it?"

"No,"

"Ah well. Puns suck anyways. Bye!" Tseng grabbed Aeris and shoved her into the helicopter and as they scooped up Reno and flew away, the pillar made a tremendous explosion, the kind where you must cower under the blankets and think of happy little forests and happy little rabbits. 

"Ah damn it! They've got Aeris!" Cloud slammed his fist down.

"Hey, that's sucks and all, but we have another damned problem here and it's the fact we're going to die because of this damned pillar! Come on! Look around!" Barret began to search frantically around the pillar.

"The wire!" Cloud exclaimed, "We can grab onto this and swing ourselves into freedom!"

"Damn it Cloud, who do you think I am? Tarzan?"

"No, but it said so in the book…" There was sudden loud cursing.

"I don't take the author is any happy about this," mumbled Tifa.

"What the hell. Everyone, grab the damn wire!" Tifa jumped on Barret and Cloud jumped on top of her and soon, the trio defied the laws of physics where they are supposed to fall flat and die a miserable death and glided to safety.

*****

President Shinra gazed at the snapping Sector 7, where screams and explosions filled the night. The plate shook a defiant fist to the world, as if saying "why?" and faltered into the deep mist of gloom. 

With a twist of his chair, the president began to grin.


End file.
